CB OFFICIALLY 'JUMPS THE SHARK'

---by Phil Danpott, Film Critic

After a pair of critically acclaimed sequels, Jack Nicholson decided to hang up the hockey mask, declining to return as "Butch" in the sixth Chopping Block feature. Enter Director Joel Schumacher. He had such success in killing the lucrative and popular Batman franchise that he just couldn't resist bringing in actor George Clooney for another go. Needless to say, Kill Me Silly: CB Part 666 falls far short of the expectations that its predecessors established.

"Uh, we're obviously not pleased," said one studio head, though it's not clear whether his displeasure was a result of the fact that the film sucked or that that suckage translated into box office figures that made Gigli look like Titanic. Clearly, if the moviegoing public hadn't already begun to sour on poor ol' Butch, this monstrosity of a film squeezed a gigantic lemon into their mouths. If the studio doesn't take a drastically innovative approach to the seventh CB picture, there certainly won't be an eighth.

In a related story, actor Steve Guttenberg was found 'Not Guilty' today regarding charges that he murdered 27 individuals during an interstate killing spree reminiscent of his role as "Butch" from Chopping Block. His lead attorney, Johnny Cochran, stated, "Steve was clearly not the man they were looking for. He is meek and mild, an emotional child. Sure, the DNA of every one of the victims was found in samples of his stool, almost as though he had eaten portions of the victims' bodies. But that is neither here nor there. If you can't prove it, I don't care. DNA is unreliable. The prosecution was unbelievable. My client is unaccountable."

Says Guttenberg, "I did it. I killed every one of them and I liked it. And now I'm going to kill Butch. Just you watch me. Just you watch. [maniacal laughter]."